I have asked myself time and time again.I noticed that my thinking has changed myself for the past 2 years.Is it for the good or for the worse? Let me try to put it down in this blog.
About 4 years ago after doing my engineering in Information Technology,I was job hunting close to a year (it was peak job season in India).I applied for several companies and attended close to 40 interviews,aptitudes of companies with all rejections my morale became very low.I noticed that each time I failed it affected my self confidence and along with it came fear and a feeling of being inferior.... I prayed a lot for this but I knew God has a plan and purpose for his children.Since Jesus was real to me I learnt trusting God and moving on. After a long time came a breakthrough and then I noticed that i had a job which I joined on August 29 2005.I was very thankful for it because it helped me to have a chance to be confident and come out a strong man.
My job came with many challenges.We had no training and to be honest I did not have any knowledge on programming.My mind was not able to think beyond a point virtually.I worked hard but not smart. Because of my hard work I escaped at times but in reality I just spent too long to understand small concepts because my mind was not organised. It had lot of un-necssary things.I feared to speak my heart out fearing ridicule or mockery.It was very very fragile being hurt at any and every point due to the 'inferiority' in me.It often led me to being short tempered and vulnerable.This carried on for close to 2 years even after getting my job.I started thinking strongly about quitting my job or at least try to be out of the technical job that I was holding currently.
With the same project I had an opportunity to work in Holland.I remember praying during my journey to holland "Lord keep me pure or take me out of this country". I noticed that being a christian keeping oneself pure and unpolluted was something that was important for me because the others fell in place(kindness,compassion,love,patience,joy and peace).I dont know why but the more I connect with Jesus and the cross the more the world has no influence in my life.
The fear was still in me.I also noticed that being an fearful person(either to people or job or to a culture) can easily make one to fall in sin. I struggled with it for another couple of months after which I started seeing light at the end of the tunnel.I reemphasized the goal in my Life."To be christ like and to be holy." I started pouring myself to Jesus. I bought an ipod which helped me to listen songs of praise and adoration continuously and the bicycle ride on my work to office and return back became a worship ground.I felt God was leading me. I broke out and started being independent.I was free from the fear of culture,people and job. I felt divine peace and refreshed.I felt confident and organised. My thinking was more structured and was focussed.I started liking whatever I was doing.This is something that I am indebted to God ever in my life.Every time I sit down at church and want to thank this is the first thing that comes to my mind.
It is not about my job but its about being free in mind.Its about living for God.Its about fighting strongly against sin and the flesh.It is about growing and becoming more and more like Jesus.A divine peace emerges in me.I can see a big difference.I know that there is a whole battle lying ahead but i am confident that "Jesus who is in me is greater that he who is in the world".
Now what do I want to be?.These profiles have crossed my mind over time and again.
Soldier?
I admire people showing patriotism to their country,fighting against the enemy and winning for the sake of their homeland.Even though this is a difficult topic - 'violence',it makes me think about the good and evil forces in this world. Sometimes a genuine soldier fights against a so called bad soldier(who is forced into an ideology which is bad) and win.
I dont know if I can be a soldier but I know I will "stay connected with the power source" and fight against flesh and sin everyday.
Pilot?
I like the sky and how birds fly,imagining Gods beauty and splendor. Now a non living being flying.Impressive. I like to fly this equipment but I dont think I will make it as my profession but I think I can learn from a pilot "He needs to be brave,confident, should not fear (esp heights) and also connect with the Air Traffic Controls".It teaches me to have Hope,be confident and also be connected in prayer with God so He can lead me.
Software Engineer ?
I like developing softwares and writing codes and am keen on the minute details.Sometimes I am happy when it goes the right way.It makes me to think .This is what I am doing now for a living.I really love it at the moment.My weekdays are spent doing some stuff on the command line linux systems.I don't feel like I am working as I eagerly wait to do something new and different the next day.
Missionary?
Mother Teresa has been a great source of inspiration.I grew up admiring the "Brothers of St.Gabriel" who served with their exemplary educational institutions.So I admire the life of a missionary and the great things they do for God.I understand it is out of Love and a sense of gratitude that makes you stand out.
Graham stain's wife "I forgive the killers" is still powerful on her reaction to the killing of her husband.It passes about waves of Love.Will I be one? I love to be.I love to share the truth about God.I love to tell people that their lives and mind can be changed by trusting in Jesus Christ.
Now to be honest this is something I am not comfortable with.I like being a witness for christ and strive in the direction.I am open about my faith and how God changed me.
To say "God can also change you also.Trust in Jesus christ and believe in Him and you will be saved". This is something that I struggle with because it is to another person of a different worldview and sometimes it seems to disconnect people,but just think about the numerous people who have no HOPE and are longing for it.How would it be to LIGHT their lamp and bring a change.I pray God give me your wisdom and boldness.
"Help me to preach the gospel and if necessary use words" as St Fransis of Assisi said.
I wanna be,I wanna be.
Now Israel what do you want to be?
My prayer:
God of all knowledge and wisdom, lead me and give me wisdom and help me be what You want me to be and help me to stay connected with You,the power source.Keep me pure Lord.
The cross before me and the world behind me.Amen.
