The slow fade

 It is was in the year 2013, there was the breaking news that seven time 'Tour de France' winner finally decided to respond in an interview to Oprah Winfrey. Lance Armstrong after several defiant denials finally confessed to Oprah Winfrey in an interview of taking performance enhancing drugs. This came as a shock since several of his fans considered him as a superhero. Given that he is a cancer survivor, his victories were considered as nothing short of a miracle. It is the toughest bicycle competition where cyclists need to cover a distance of 3500 kilometres on the mountain chains of Pyrenees and Alps in France.

The United States Anti-doping agency (USADA) in a 164 page report mentioned that Lance Armstrong pulled out a sophisticated, professionalized and successful doping program the sport has ever seen and he was banned for life after being stripped of all his medals. The ruling from the doping body came almost 7 years after he won the 7th 'Tour de France' title. It was a shock as everyone had to look at Lance in a different light after his dramatic fall from grace. The newspapers referred to him as a  “disgraced sportsman”. It was unbelievable that a person of the calibre of Lance could have actually been involved in not only a doping scandal but also stubbornly suing all the people who made allegations against him. He was defiant and taking a look at him from the outside, the world saw him to be truthful but it wasn’t the case.

During the interview, Lance admitted to a shocking revelation that this was the second time in his whole life that he wasn’t able to control the outcome of 'bad news' in his life - the first one being his cancer diagnosis and the second one was him being exposed as a cheater taking performance enhancing drugs. To be fair, Lance was forced to come out and surrender from his safe haven and stop his defending tweets after the overwhelming evidence of  his involvement in doping. One of his famous defiant tweets was a picture of him relaxing on a couch with his 7 yellow jersey titles fixed against the wall. It appeared that he was a bully who was controlling the outcome of his races. He admitted using private jets to take out his blood before the race which would later be injected again during the 21 day race which would improve his stamina. 

As the confession started unravelling, I was relaxing in bed after a tiring week on a Sunday afternoon and had a panicky feeling deep down. At the end of the interview, I got down on my knees, said a word of prayer and hurried to attend the evening service at church. I wasn’t planned to go that evening but I remember forcing myself because of the heaviness in my heart. One of the revelations of Lance was that he became a bully and a bigger cheat after him being diagnosed with cancer.

“Before my diagnosis, I was a competitor but not a fierce competitor but the process of the diagnosis changed me. I will do anything that I have to do to survive"

"I took the ruthless and relentless win it all attitude from fighting my cancer into cycling” were the words of Lance in the interview.

This can happen to any sportsman or any person in any field, I thought on trying to process the circumstances and path which led to his downfall. There was a single lie which Lance entertained in his mind which was evident from his interview.

“Because of my cancer disease and one of the testicles being removed, I went low on testosterone and justified the need to boost it by doping” said Lance as he tried to rationalise his thinking on using the banned substance.

The fame obtained in any field magnifies a human being which could cause immense pressure on the individual to live up to the expectations of the fans thereby leading to one's downfall. I was thinking of how his fans and sponsors would have been immensely happy when they saw him win the titles one after the other and thereafter the betrayal on knowing that it was all a lie would have been incomprehensible.

“If you are a jerk, fame makes you a bigger jerk and if you are an humanitarian it makes you even more” said Oprah talking about fame magnifying a person to which Lance agreed whole heartedly.

I couldn’t help but think of how often our talents, cause the downfall if the unrealistic expectations and desires are not nipped in the bud. One of the biggest heartbreaks in faith circles is when a preacher falls from grace.

The podium from which a preacher speaks is generally some feet higher than from where the public is seated and people do look up to the speaker. It is a gift which can be used to influence the audience and there are possibilities you become popular because of the use of your vocabulary and charm. In cases when hard topics are explained in a simple way the person wins the approval of the gathering.

In a church setting however the personal life of the preacher and the sermon that he is preaching on the podium are expected to be in line. The pulpit life and personal life are expected to be one and the same. It is important for the teacher to expose his own weakness, if any to a trusted few in addition to confessing to God in prayer. This would help to prevent any heartbreaks for himself and others in the future and also help in being accountable.

There is a tremendous amount of pressure for the preacher to be flawless which sadly goes awry. There is a huge burden placed to cater to the spiritual needs of others very often neglecting the preacher’s own spiritual needs.

Growing up as a young kid, I observed Dad having weekly prayer meetings at home for more than 30 years which automatically made him a preacher. There was a scrutiny at school whenever you were naughty that being a preacher’s son you shouldn’t have behaved in a particular manner. It used to be huge burden to be in a spot where there is an expectation that you need to live in a certain way better than the rest of the group. Later in life, I am so thankful that it automatically kept me accountable and on track because of the moral expectations from my teachers.

“God, keep me away from any kind of sin or take me out of this country” was my tearful prayer at the airport when I had the opportunity to visit Netherlands. I was just 22 years of age and my unstable mind was playing games against my will stating that there was no one watching me since no one knew me in the foreign country. Having been born in a conservative safe haven and moving to an extremely liberal country scared me like crazy because of the need to be morally right. 

Looking back after several years, I am grateful that God has always answered my prayers and my prayer is to be holy to the end of my life.

In a day and age like this time, this is one of the taboo subjects that is not being spoken of publicly, but we do see incidents of some preachers fall from grace and it is heartbreaking. However with allegations mounting on the sexual purity of popular preachers even after their lifetime, it is an import topic to be brought back into perspective and have a teacher who can keep the preacher accountable. The mind plays games trying to rationalise the need for indulgence because of the "demands" of the ministry. The generous appreciation and attention shown because of the preacher's gifting puts pressure on the preacher to not expose the weakness in the open.

The sad part is that the spiritual attack from the enemy of our souls is more when we defend the need to be morally right and preach more about holiness.

“For all that is in the world - the lust of flesh, lust of eyes and pride of life comes not from God, the father but from the world”. There is a need to keep a check on the  wandering eye and distracted thoughts since Jesus talks about the eye being the lamp of the body and it needs to be clean for the whole body to be full of light. There is always hope since Jesus was also tempted in this world and lived without sin and there were popular followers like Billy Graham who lived a controversy free moral life.

The encounter

The air crash investigation series from National Geographic is one of my favourites and I used to be in awe of how detectives analyse some of the worst disasters in aviation history from around the world - the causes ranged from as simple as excess baggage in the flight to the complicated terrorist attacks. The black box flight data recordings can survive any kind of fall from the sky to a dry land or even the mighty oceans. There are different  experts who are consulted to get vital clues and study the causes of the crash.

One of the main reasons for pooling in time, money and experts to find the cause of the crash is to prevent a repeat of the crash in the future and to make aviation travel safer, however there is another reason which is paramount, which is to give a closure to the trauma of the family and relatives who have lost their loved ones in the crash. 

There is an inherent human desire to find out the truth as much as possible on the cause of an incident so that justice is served.

June 17, 2010  is what I consider, with all my heart as the best day of my life since it was a battle between life and death. However I loved the way at how justice was served. Thinking of a simple fact that as a vulnerable cyclist from India, being run over by a local bus abroad in Europe. If you take a step back and think about it - is it not normal to think that a foreigner from India where the traffic is chaotic and where rules are often not followed would have been the cause of the accident? However the investigation of over 55 pages mentioned that the normal thought wasn’t true.

The expectation of justice was never to blame anyone since that’s the last thing you would want to do. In case of taking a blame, I would rather take in on myself. However the beauty by which you can handle the situation with grace, when you are not at fault and the forgiveness you can offer to cheer up the one who is at fault makes a lasting impression of love and grace which can change someone’s life. It was a joy to offer forgiveness when the bus owner met me at the hospital and it was a privilege to gift him a Bible. The outlook of life as I see it is that God is sovereign and in control meaning that nothing happens without him knowing, so that takes the burden off your mind and keeps it in peace. 

One of my posts “Rough roads are for tough men to make them come out stronger”, was actually  referring to another incident when I felt that justice was not served with false allegations written and signed by the clergy. The saddest thing is when you hardly have a chance to defend yourself and you are immediately framed that you are the culprit whereas it could actually not be true and it could also mean that there is some kind cover-up in the process. In an emotionally driven culture, tempers flare even at the mention of certain allegations and this many times are used to settle personal scores. 

One of the initial steps in my response was to remain focussed and not get distracted. My earliest analysis as the events started unfolding was that it was a spiritual warfare and I needed to fight to get back to normalcy. The events were only meant to get you distracted from your destiny and keep you fighting the wrong enemy. Initially I tried to come to terms with why each of the incidents that had happened - whether it was being run over by a bus or fighting a false allegation. When thinking of the latter one and trying to get bitter, I used to think of the former one and relativize that each happend in different countries and not one person in a remote settings was ever related to the other problem. 

It started getting worse when your relatives and friends start questioning on why these kind of bizarre things happen to you alone and not the others.

“My son asks me why these kind of bad things happen to good people?” asked one of my relatives and continued that he affirmed

“If such things happen, then there must not be any God” 

Since the same question was earlier posed to me during my accident, I had earlier tried to convince them through my accident recovery story of how God saved me. However this time the wounds were afresh and since I was trying hard to get up after a blow there was no strength to put my thought around this. Generally I give evidences to prove my point, but this time I couldn’t since I had so many unanswered myself.

“I am not God, so I am sorry I can’t help with the question” , was all I could offer since I was trying to comprehend the whole situation which was unfolding. 

Within less than a year, dad fell sick and I was completely exhausted to even get up set my mind to walk the difficult journey with him. I remember, crying -

“God, In all seriousness, dad would need to be in this world longer since it looks like I am unstable.” However the focus immediately was shifted completely to take care of him but with a heavy heart after fighting his earthly battle he went away to be with God.

One of the best things I had in this phase, was a job which was just 200 meters away from home. I grieved dad’s loss with mom and looked for every coffee break and lunch time opportunity to be with her. The multitude of questions were still bombarding my mind and I was trying to make sense of it all. One of the biggest struggles was whetherI needed to make a change in my character and beliefs in order to comprehend the blows one after another from different people involved in personal, official and religious space. There was however some consolation from friends inside and outside the country who felt that I shouldn’t change but still there was a longing for a divine encounter.

Being fragile, I avoided meeting people and limited myself to maintaining a very closed group. However on one occasion I had to go to the neighbouring area to pay maintenance dues in the office and after paying the fees I was waiting at the bus stop to come back home. The bus stop was close to a wine shop and there was a man who was drunk and having a merry time, all by himself. 

Suddenly out of nowhere, was a screeching sound and a pillion driver was thrown off the motorcycle and he landed on the main road with a broken leg. Luckily, since there was not much of traffic on the busy road, we gently pulled the victim off the road to the bus stop and made him lie on the pedestrian pavement. After making him feel comfortable, I called the ambulance and as the details of the accident spot was being shared, the drunk man came to enquire about the victim.

I quickly went back to the spot where the accident victim was lying.

“Can you make him drink water ?” asked the man mumbling to me.

“He is fine”, I replied hesitantly.

“Did you call the ambulance?”, he asked.

“I did, and they are coming”, I responded.

“Did you look at his leg which is broken ?” he questioned and bent down to point to the broken leg and was about to touch the wound.

At this point being unhappy, I admonished the drunk man to leave the victim alone to which he surprisingly apologised and backed off.

Once the ambulance came and as I was helping the accident victim inside, out of nowhere came came a small crowd, among which was the assistant of the local church. He questioned me personally as to what I was doing there.

On hearing the question, the drunk gentleman standing nearby pitched in and answered him mentioning the history of events that had occurred and added -

“He was the one who pulled him from the road, did everything for the victim and rescued him” in his drunken tone.

These words meant a lot to me since the assistant of the local church was the very same person who had handed over the letter to us with false allegations signed by the head clergy of another church. 

That was a very uncomfortable situation for the assistant since the drunk gentleman had a very different opinion on me than the head clergy.  It was a shocking reminder that the drunk gentleman was speaking the truth in contrast to the letter signed by the head clergy. 

It was such a humbling experience and my heart was full of joy going home. It was an insignificant incident but to me personally, it was an appointment at the right time when I needed the encouragement to get up, dust the mud off myself and move forward. It looked like a lot of questions lingering in me was not valid anymore. The encounter was divine.

Jesus was moved with compassion whenever he saw the people who were in need to be rescued but he was completely against the hypocrisy of the religious leaders. He called them whitewashed tombs, meaning they looked  clean on the outside but on the inside were dead men’s bones and everything unclean, a very shocking statement. 

One clear reminder was that, the same drunk people whom the religious people compare, to make themselves feel better was shown in a different light. Jesus, on the other hand, the friend of sinners, goes into their lives and takes away their darkness by His light. He was more against people who were drunk with power thereby offending people but was merciful to sinners who came to him with a broken heart.

The dowry

It was a fresh morning when we alighted from the train at the Bangalore railway station and as we slowly were pulling our baggage, I noticed a commotion below as I was walking down the pedestrian bridge.

The gentleman who was there to pick us up had parked his car in a no parking area and the parking attendant who was incharge of parking wanted him to pay the same parking charges which was meant for parking in the parking zone. There was an argument that ensured post this and I could see them yelling at each other and finally a parking charge of Rs 10 was exchanged.

On seeing the incident, my heart started pounding since it was clearly incorrect to park the vehicle at the no-parking zone and thereafter to fight with the parking attendant once caught.

A month prior to this incident, my cousin had come with his boss on a business visit from the United States to the Netherlands. He had hired a car from the airport and drove to Amsterdam. Since there is always a dearth of parking spots in Amsterdam, he by mistake parked the rented car in a spot meant for electric cars. On coming back, his car  was missing and the vehicle was towed away by the police. We had to go to the collection area and pay a fine of about 380 euros (which is  approx Rs 31000). This is a huge amount and a salary for about 3 labourers a month in India. There was no excuses accepted and you can never talk a word back to the police because the rules are clear and you need to follow it.  Hence both the incidents I had witnessed got etched inside of me.

As we were driving, I tried to forgot about the incident and concentrate on other things. There was an engagement planned on the next day and I tried to be in focus. Dad got dropped off in a small room and he started doing the best which he always did - he started praying. Once it was evening, I tried to get into the arrangement side of things and later that day entered a big compound along with another person accompanying me.

“Who are you? What is the reason you came here ?” - thundered the head of the institution from inside the compound. I was stunned to hear that, since on one hand it was a church institution and on the other hand the person accompanying me was known to him. The voice was unkind and rude. Once I introduced myself,  I secretly wished that he would not be dealing with the ceremony the next day, since he looked harsh.

The next day arrived and I was feeling nervous not knowing what I was going to expect about the ceremony. I tried to be joyful until I saw the same head of the institution coming with his young assistant to cover the engagement ceremony. The event started and both of them were talking on the mobile phone and laughing with each other when the songs were being sung - I was getting distracted. I expected it to get better as the ceremony started to progress, but unfortunately it started getting worse - there was no piousness and and I started getting upset. It was simply a chaos.

Once I was on stage, I was constantly provoked by them and I was being asked several questions which caused me to get restless:

“You could have got a better job in Chennai. They pay you well there, so why did you come here ? ” said one of them to which I answered “How do you know that ?”

“Don’t think that you are someone great. I have also worked as a software engineer and have joined this service. I am not less qualified”  said the other rudely. 

“Did you really work as a software engineer, earlier?” asked another person sitting along with him on the stage.

"Guys, what's wrong ?" I mentioned

In the meanwhile, my friend who was sitting in the audience got up and began to sing a song in worship with a microphone. I closed my eyes to think about God and be in a prayerful time, forgetting the provoking. 

Suddenly I hear a rude voice, with my eyes still closed shouting - “Grab the microphone from him, don’t allow him to sing further”. 

I was shocked and I started trembling since that remark was aimed to prevent me from praying whereas it was their very duty to lead the congregation in prayer. Amidst the chaos, there was a small thought which started speaking to me which would then push and challenge me often throughout the years- “When you see so many bad examples around you, will you take the mantle to be a good example for God?” . The thought got imprinted in me.

It was clear that I was not feeling welcome and I was moreover petrified as to what I was getting into. Finally I decided that I would need to do something to change this behaviour.

Back at home, we were brought up in a pious atmosphere. Whenever there was prayer, each session was done with utmost respect and it was considered as a time we talk with God. Dad never felt bored praying and one could see him in several hours on his knees. I also grew up respecting the clergy even though Dad never allowed me to be close with them. There was never a time I would consider provoking anyone and in this case I was supposed to be a special guest who was treated shabbily on stage.

Once it was over, I straightaway got down from the stage and went to the gentleman and asked him - “I don’t feel welcome at all, why are the clergy behaving like that - I simply don’t understand”

The answer that was given was controversial and I did not like that because it was meant to stimulate a group feeling which I had stood against, ever since I was young. 

Post this incident, I decided that I would take over the responsibility of setting the benchmark and the ethics that should be followed and had tough conversations on how it should be taken up going forward. There should be politeness, respect, piousness, honesty and cleanliness which is non negotiable, if you need to spend your life with someone. This is when I was probably going to hit the nerve of the people around me and I noticed that what is important to you may be not at all be important for someone else.

The wedding was planned in over a month and I was expecting friends from Netherlands and the last thing I wanted was to let them see was the same rudeness and chaos from them on the big day, I started scrutinising and critiquing each move. The aim was only to help to do things in a proper way but I noticed that there was complete non co-operation from the other side. In a very hard way, I learnt that It is impossible to change someone’s behaviour and I was beginning to feel helpless.

A couple of days before the first bands were announced, there was lots of drama and yelling and suddenly there was a threatening from the other side that they were going to pull out from the wedding.  By this time I was confused as to what was happening since I did not understand why they were getting upset, when genuinely I was one who had to be upset. On hearing this, however I tried to water down my standards thinking it was stressing them a lot. However on one occasion I lost my cool and yelled disrespectfully at the gentleman which probably bad on my part. Sadly, this was taken in a complete different level and the complaint was initially made to a “rich” relative of ours. In order to sensationalise things, the allegation was made that I was looking for dowry and that’s why the I was harassing them. I was shocked since my very first conversation was that we should never talk about money or any kind of dowry. 

“Dowry is a term used as a demand for money and jewels as a pre-requisite for wedding from the bride which is considered illegal in India. This expectation many times causes abuse in the family and certain times have lead to deaths due to which the government initially put a legal clause that even an allegation of request for dowry can put the bridegroom and his relatives in jail even without any evidence. ”

Once the gentleman was able to convince the “rich” relative, the gentleman was unstoppable in manipulation. There was on one side threatenings of physical  harassment and how he is going to harm me however on the other hand there was a victim attitude portrayed to the other people whom he was trying to win their sympathy, The real character of a person is discovered only when there is crisis and even my mom and dad were not spared.

However still as a last attempt, to fix things if there was a genuine misunderstanding, without consulting anyone I proposed the following:

”I did not ask for dowry but since you misunderstood it, I apologise and I will give you cash of 2,00,000 please continue with the wedding” for which the following answer was received from the mediator 

“See, finally he is scared that he will get locked up in jail so he is responding like this, I will not leave him” 

That was the last conversation I had and all the doors were closed pending some threatening calls that I received which I abruptly disconnected in fear.

(My reasoning on why I had given the olive branch is because of a pay-it-forward  good gesture that  I experienced at McDonald’s fast food restaurant back in Netherlands. I had ordered a burger and the young lady forgot about my order and starting serving other customers, who can come after I placed my order. I patiently waited for more than 20 minutes when suddenly she came to the realisation that she forgot to give me my order. She immediately got me an ice cream as a compliment  and said it was free because she missed to give my burger earlier. I was pleasantly surprised for her gesture following which I thanked her for the gesture and said it was normal to forget things but she really needn’t give me that ice cream.)

It clearly did not work in my case since I was being manipulated more and more. After stopping the wedding by giving a letter in writing with three statements to the church one of them being I had asked for dowry, I felt the olive branch reconciliation was a terrible move since the gentleman further started extorting more money of 5,00,000. 

I heard a saying told often that it needs -  “1000 lies to perform a wedding” , when one group plays in that angle and another group goes by what they are taught from the Bible which says “Liars do not go to heaven but go to hell”, it suddenly turns out to be a different playing field wherein one is playing by the rules and the other is not.

In the times I was threatened by the gentleman, that he would put me in jail, I was scared because of the intensity of the allegation. The last time I went inside the police station in Mylapore was when I was a teenager - that was the time when the police inspector made me sit down opposite to him, bought me coffee and appreciated me because I had caught the thief who had broken into our home and stolen valuables, one of them being my bicycle.

In situations like these people naturally avoid you completely since it is ugly, but I will never forgot my friend who stood by me and mentioned that he can help if anything happens in ”our” state - he was the son of an ex-mla of Mylapore. My good friends Willine and Willem Jan, in whose house I had stayed after the last operation had come from Netherlands and they took me out to Mysore. I will never forget what a blessing they were for me during this time even though the reason they came for, did not happen. I often remember how much it meant for me as they sat in a table opposite me compassionately reassuring - "Je verdient dit helemaal niet" - “You don’t deserve this at all”.

The suffering, shame, prejudice. or even betrayal can be overwhelming but Jesus was the only one who did not deserve it, yet he took all of the ugliness voluntarily on himself to rescue humanity. He understands and hears us out and walks with us even when the journey for us is full of doubts.

The handicap

“Can you walk properly? Only when you can prove that you can walk, we can proceed further with this” said the gentleman hesitantly over the telephone.

“Yes of course, I can walk well and even walk fast” I countered even though I did not feel happy over the question. 

Post the conversation  I called my mom back about the dialogue but she felt these questions are normal questions to be asked. Over the years, I have noticed that not many people have sensitivity or experience dealing with people who have pain so I did not make a big deal out of it. There are also people who are very bad at expressing verbally but do have a very kind heart. When judging a person, I always give them the benefit of doubt that they did not mean it in an impolite way.

Forgetting all about the conversation, I carried on with my normal life since I was not keen to take it further. However I was bombarded with messages and chats all over social media and on my mobile - little did I known that I was being manipulated over a period of time. I must confess that “saying NO” is something I feel extremely difficult in my life. 

What is the criteria with which you dislike a person whom you hardly know? I grew up never to disrespect, mock or be mean to anyone. Guilt used to take a hold of me whenever I got into an argument or was mean with someone. I hated dealing with conflicts and wished it would disappear just like that. I was waiting for the conversation to die down and not abruptly end it, hence I would respond to one of the several messages being sent just to be kind but unfortunately the signals did not get understood correctly. I still gathered courage and took the phone to say no when it wasn’t accepted. 

I have never been into a relationship in my life, so it was difficult to deal with certain situations and moreover I waited for the conversation to die down so that they would move ahead since the call was from India.

It was a couple of years after the accident, when I had come back to Netherlands, to work on a new project. The office politics had been overwhelming. I have always been straight forward and wanted to do what was right.  

“A tree has to bend when the wind blows, otherwise it will break” , advised my colleagues but it didn’t change my thinking since my morality came from following Jesus so it did not surprise me when my manager once said- “Remember they crucified Jesus Christ, so they will crucify you as well”. He was right so I forgave him and carried on as Jesus would do.

The only thing that differentiated me at work was when I learnt on my own interest the local language Dutch, and eventually would go on to clear the NT2 - Dutch as second language diploma for fun. This generally had to be cleared by foreigners who wanted to become a Dutch citizen. I was once asked to accompany a sales team while bidding for a million euro project for a new client as an example that even being Indian company, there were people who could converse in Dutch. I was proposed as a member of the team since they felt that me being there would help win the project. We went on to win the project defeating other European bidders.

Over a period of time, I was pulled to work for different teams in the Netherlands even though my technical expertise was different from the project I was proposed to. However I felt that being sandwiched between the Indian and the Dutch contingent did not help me personally but was somehow causing me problems. 

In addition to the personal situation and work life, there were several thoughts bombarding my mind post the recovery which could very well be PSTD (post traumatic stress disorder):

On waking up out of my (induced)coma, the very first thing I looked  at was my completely bruised body. My right leg hanging from the top of the ceiling in the ICU like it hangs in a butchers shop. I thought to myself that I would be disabled my whole life and was  determined to live a thankful life like Joni Erickson Tada, who was disabled post a swimming accident. I hardly asked the doctors anything about my condition (much to their surprise) since I only wanted the pain to disappear so I initially thought I would be permanently disabled. The recovery was a completely thankful process and I learnt swimming during this time and made a remarkable progress.

“I can never believe you are walking since I have the photos of the accident and I felt a person wouldn’t survive this” said  the police officer who did the investigation of the accident.

“We could not have saved him, but he had a irresistible power (veerkracht) in him” - These are the words the doctors told my house owner who first came to meet me, “You have had angels protecting you” he added.

There were several questions that kept appearing in my head continuously and one of them being if I needed to resign and serve God ? This would mean that I would resign my secular job and get into serving in any capacity of being a preacher or setting up an institution for the disabled.

The thoughts got louder in my head and eventually one evening after much thought I resigned my job even though I did not have another job. I was treated very poorly post my resignation and it took a big toll on my already existing trauma. The goodbye wasn’t peaceful and there was a sense of enemy tag attached to me and I was looked down and felt isolated. I wasn’t the same guy who had helped the company get the big deal. I also had to protect myself from the jabs thrown on me and being in trauma I did not want to respond to any hard questions since it was overwhelming. However I was determined to move forward so I was consciously thinking of my next steps and finding a new job.

Psychologically, I had reached the pinnacle of worries - an aching body which was recovering, coping up with trauma, dealing with the resignation of the existing company, looking to find a new job and above all finding a purpose among this whole new mess - what does God want from me ? To top it all, I was receiving messages to which I wasn’t responding to - In the end, I thought as if I was going against too many things all at once and suddenly I felt helpless that I didn’t  have the strength to say NO to everything. I slowly started to respond to the messages and taking part in the conversations.

There have been several Dutch people who have walked along with me in this path and who have listened to my stories over and over again which helped me tremendously make decisions. One special person is a German psychologist who met me every week after church and warned me that I shouldn’t commit to anyone stating that it’s going to be dangerous move. She used to spend hours talking to me and make me think of what I planned to get into. I will never forget the advise she poured on me inspite of her husband and kids waiting on her sometimes for hours together. I also remember mentioning to her that I will write a blog on how “arranged” marriage works in India. Alas, she was the first person I remembered when everything got cancelled two weeks before the wedding day.

Living in a “shame” culture, it is not easy to deal with anything which gets cancelled for both the sides. However sadly, in recent years few families take an easy way to escape by throwing some heavy allegations and create a drama to end it. The one who makes the first move to end it is generally considered as the victim. Alas, the feeling of escape that you get by believing in the false allegation that you throw on others is short lived and moreover the other person who can never hit back tries to suck it up which generally causes a toll on him or changes his personality for ever. 

It’s better not to go into the details because it remains ugly but one thing I have always prayed after being hit with false allegations is this - God, the other family should never suffer at any cost. You have given me the courage to deal with any kind of situation and I can come out of it easily even though it may take a while to recover but not for anyone else, God. I was glad to know that the other person got married soon after and I put a brave face trusting God that he was working everything for good.

The allegations took a heavy toll on me since I had to answer several people and I could hardly concentrate on my work mainly because of being projected as an evil person. The dynamics of me dealing with people changed and I also had to swerve family and church relationships to protect my health and well being. I had to change companies thinking a new environment would help me.

Couple of years back, when I came third in the company athletics meet of 1500 meters I was simply overjoyed.

My experience through all these situations has opened my eyes to the suffering and the trauma of the disabled. I have been closely involved with the disabled association in Chennai and for the past 4 years we have been working closely with them helping with their children's education and accessories. Being run over by the bus across my body was easy to bear than being falsely accused put into trauma again un-necessarily but little did I know that God was moulding me first to reach the disabled, the suicidical and heal broken marriages - the very allegations which was used against me was being used as a tool by God to rescue people going through those situations.

The Quarantine

As a former patient, the most painful phase during the recovery trajectory was when I was isolated in the hospital bed as a precaution to prevent the spread of a skin infection. The thoughts of people looking upon you with suspicion is the most painful part of the recovery trajectory.

The hospital knows it and they are well equipped - gloves, full aprons, masks and separate medical instruments are needed to treat you. The fear of the unknown and the invisible virus or bacteria can cause so much panic that nurses and doctors need to maintain a safe distance. The vistors are also warned to keep a distance. Handshakes are not allowed as skin contact is prohibited.

On a visit to my ailing grandfather who was bedridden and sick, I contracted a bacterial infection since I applied an ointment on his body with my bare hands. The bacterial infection is contagious only when prolonged skin contact with the infected person and because of my carelessness of not using a glove I got the same infection which he had, scabies.  Since then I had travelled from India to Netherlands.

Post the accident, I had spent about 20 days in the hospital with treatments ranging from emergency operations, to being in coma, and then being shifted to the ICU and finally moving to a normal room shared by three other fine gentlemen. I noticed that after the pain of the accident subsided the torment of the itching due to the skin infection began to rise. Since the itching wasn’t at all in a critical path to my life, it was not given much attention even though I had mentioned it earlier to the doctors.

After spending about 20 days in the hospital and bidding a grateful goodbye, I was shifted to the revalidation centre called De Hoogstraat, a brilliant centre with doctors, nurses, physiotherapists and other volunteers who help people get on their feet. The inmates are people who have had severe accidents, paralysed, handicapped or amputated due to various ailments. The patients are taught to walk using a wheelchair, crutches, an electric cycle or a four wheeled vehicle. The patients with less injuries can visit the centre for a couple of hours in a day or a week, however patients with serious limitations are given a bed with a daily schedule of rehabilitation exercises.

Once here, I again brought to the attention of the doctors about my intense itching in my body, after which it was found to be a contagious skin infection.  Immediately I was put in isolation and there was a callout to the hospital, medical staff, the nurses and whomsoever was in contact with me, were asked to take preventive pills and be on alert for any kind of skin rashes. The local health department was also informed and all my contacts were interviewed to check if they also had symptoms.

Wow, what an embarrassing moment it was, but I co-operated fully knowing that the last thing that I wanted to happen was for  another person to get the same infection. During isolation, I was sharing the room with other gentlemen who were amputees and they were very kind. The bedsheets, towels and clothes need to go to a separate washing space and separate toilet, facial masks, gloves and aprons were used to attend me - it made me a bit sad during the time I was under isolation. However every inch of me wanted to make sure that no one else gets infected especially the noble hospital and rehabilitation centre staff who are out there to help you. I felt a bit guilty since it was contagious but thankfully it hadn't transferred to anyone. 

It was after a week that I was free from the skin infection and I was back into a non-quarantine mode. It was so good to roam about freely in a wheelchair and be treated normally like the other patients and what a victory it was to be identified as one among them - however my victory over isolation appeared to be short-lived. Soon I developed fever for an unknown reason after which the doctors in De Hoogstraat decided that I had to be transferred back to the hospital.

Once back to the hospital where I was operated earlier, it was such a joy to see the medical staff in the hospital who had earlier waved me goodbye but this time it was different. I was invited on one condition that I had to be isolated again because of my earlier skin infection. I informed the staff patiently that I was already isolated for a while and have been free for more than a week but that was not heard since the hospital rules were different. I was isolated again and the same process of being treated separately continued. I felt like throwing my arms up and quitting. For the very first time, I cried and complained - the accident was not my fault, the skin infection was because I helped someone and I have already been isolated, this isn’t fair.  There was help offered to me by talking to a counsellor or a psychologist but I politely refused and waited patiently for the double isolation term to get over

The medical treatment I received in the hospital was the best in the world, and I am so thankful that close to 10 years after this incident I can write about it, but isolation is painful.

It breaks me when I think of migrants who are stuck up in a different place than theirs and are stuck without transportation and are in a panic to go home. The several innocents who have contracted the disease and couldn't make it live. O how I feared when a dear migrant who has a bad cold dropped  in home.  The corona crisis is extremely contagious compared to the skin infection which I had which is never fatal however there is another social isolation that I have experienced in work, church and family circles which never should be encouraged - the forming of teams to isolate and hurt people. The powerful and the influential many times exercise authority over the weak and voiceless. For more than three decades, I had always related the weak and the voiceless to be the poor but sadly its not always the case. There can be pride in any person making them rule over the voiceless under them.

The  meditation this morning on Matthew 14 beginning from verse 35 and 36 brings me in awe of how the people brought the sick to Jesus Christ and let them touch the edge of His garment for sickness, isolation, fear and sin stopped there. Wow, O may I go more to you during these times