It was a fresh morning when we alighted from the train at the Bangalore railway station and as we slowly were pulling our baggage, I noticed a commotion below as I was walking down the pedestrian bridge.
The gentleman who was there to pick us up had parked his car in a no parking area and the parking attendant who was incharge of parking wanted him to pay the same parking charges which was meant for parking in the parking zone. There was an argument that ensured post this and I could see them yelling at each other and finally a parking charge of Rs 10 was exchanged.
On seeing the incident, my heart started pounding since it was clearly incorrect to park the vehicle at the no-parking zone and thereafter to fight with the parking attendant once caught.
A month prior to this incident, my cousin had come with his boss on a business visit from the United States to the Netherlands. He had hired a car from the airport and drove to Amsterdam. Since there is always a dearth of parking spots in Amsterdam, he by mistake parked the rented car in a spot meant for electric cars. On coming back, his car was missing and the vehicle was towed away by the police. We had to go to the collection area and pay a fine of about 380 euros (which is approx Rs 31000). This is a huge amount and a salary for about 3 labourers a month in India. There was no excuses accepted and you can never talk a word back to the police because the rules are clear and you need to follow it. Hence both the incidents I had witnessed got etched inside of me.
As we were driving, I tried to forgot about the incident and concentrate on other things. There was an engagement planned on the next day and I tried to be in focus. Dad got dropped off in a small room and he started doing the best which he always did - he started praying. Once it was evening, I tried to get into the arrangement side of things and later that day entered a big compound along with another person accompanying me.
“Who are you? What is the reason you came here ?” - thundered the head of the institution from inside the compound. I was stunned to hear that, since on one hand it was a church institution and on the other hand the person accompanying me was known to him. The voice was unkind and rude. Once I introduced myself, I secretly wished that he would not be dealing with the ceremony the next day, since he looked harsh.
The next day arrived and I was feeling nervous not knowing what I was going to expect about the ceremony. I tried to be joyful until I saw the same head of the institution coming with his young assistant to cover the engagement ceremony. The event started and both of them were talking on the mobile phone and laughing with each other when the songs were being sung - I was getting distracted. I expected it to get better as the ceremony started to progress, but unfortunately it started getting worse - there was no piousness and and I started getting upset. It was simply a chaos.
Once I was on stage, I was constantly provoked by them and I was being asked several questions which caused me to get restless:
“You could have got a better job in Chennai. They pay you well there, so why did you come here ? ” said one of them to which I answered “How do you know that ?”
“Don’t think that you are someone great. I have also worked as a software engineer and have joined this service. I am not less qualified” said the other rudely.
“Did you really work as a software engineer, earlier?” asked another person sitting along with him on the stage.
"Guys, what's wrong ?" I mentioned
In the meanwhile, my friend who was sitting in the audience got up and began to sing a song in worship with a microphone. I closed my eyes to think about God and be in a prayerful time, forgetting the provoking.
Suddenly I hear a rude voice, with my eyes still closed shouting - “Grab the microphone from him, don’t allow him to sing further”.
I was shocked and I started trembling since that remark was aimed to prevent me from praying whereas it was their very duty to lead the congregation in prayer. Amidst the chaos, there was a small thought which started speaking to me which would then push and challenge me often throughout the years- “When you see so many bad examples around you, will you take the mantle to be a good example for God?” . The thought got imprinted in me.
It was clear that I was not feeling welcome and I was moreover petrified as to what I was getting into. Finally I decided that I would need to do something to change this behaviour.
Back at home, we were brought up in a pious atmosphere. Whenever there was prayer, each session was done with utmost respect and it was considered as a time we talk with God. Dad never felt bored praying and one could see him in several hours on his knees. I also grew up respecting the clergy even though Dad never allowed me to be close with them. There was never a time I would consider provoking anyone and in this case I was supposed to be a special guest who was treated shabbily on stage.
Once it was over, I straightaway got down from the stage and went to the gentleman and asked him - “I don’t feel welcome at all, why are the clergy behaving like that - I simply don’t understand”
The answer that was given was controversial and I did not like that because it was meant to stimulate a group feeling which I had stood against, ever since I was young.
Post this incident, I decided that I would take over the responsibility of setting the benchmark and the ethics that should be followed and had tough conversations on how it should be taken up going forward. There should be politeness, respect, piousness, honesty and cleanliness which is non negotiable, if you need to spend your life with someone. This is when I was probably going to hit the nerve of the people around me and I noticed that what is important to you may be not at all be important for someone else.
The wedding was planned in over a month and I was expecting friends from Netherlands and the last thing I wanted was to let them see was the same rudeness and chaos from them on the big day, I started scrutinising and critiquing each move. The aim was only to help to do things in a proper way but I noticed that there was complete non co-operation from the other side. In a very hard way, I learnt that It is impossible to change someone’s behaviour and I was beginning to feel helpless.
A couple of days before the first bands were announced, there was lots of drama and yelling and suddenly there was a threatening from the other side that they were going to pull out from the wedding. By this time I was confused as to what was happening since I did not understand why they were getting upset, when genuinely I was one who had to be upset. On hearing this, however I tried to water down my standards thinking it was stressing them a lot. However on one occasion I lost my cool and yelled disrespectfully at the gentleman which probably bad on my part. Sadly, this was taken in a complete different level and the complaint was initially made to a “rich” relative of ours. In order to sensationalise things, the allegation was made that I was looking for dowry and that’s why the I was harassing them. I was shocked since my very first conversation was that we should never talk about money or any kind of dowry.
“Dowry is a term used as a demand for money and jewels as a pre-requisite for wedding from the bride which is considered illegal in India. This expectation many times causes abuse in the family and certain times have lead to deaths due to which the government initially put a legal clause that even an allegation of request for dowry can put the bridegroom and his relatives in jail even without any evidence. ”
Once the gentleman was able to convince the “rich” relative, the gentleman was unstoppable in manipulation. There was on one side threatenings of physical harassment and how he is going to harm me however on the other hand there was a victim attitude portrayed to the other people whom he was trying to win their sympathy, The real character of a person is discovered only when there is crisis and even my mom and dad were not spared.
However still as a last attempt, to fix things if there was a genuine misunderstanding, without consulting anyone I proposed the following:
”I did not ask for dowry but since you misunderstood it, I apologise and I will give you cash of 2,00,000 please continue with the wedding” for which the following answer was received from the mediator
“See, finally he is scared that he will get locked up in jail so he is responding like this, I will not leave him”
That was the last conversation I had and all the doors were closed pending some threatening calls that I received which I abruptly disconnected in fear.
(My reasoning on why I had given the olive branch is because of a pay-it-forward good gesture that I experienced at McDonald’s fast food restaurant back in Netherlands. I had ordered a burger and the young lady forgot about my order and starting serving other customers, who can come after I placed my order. I patiently waited for more than 20 minutes when suddenly she came to the realisation that she forgot to give me my order. She immediately got me an ice cream as a compliment and said it was free because she missed to give my burger earlier. I was pleasantly surprised for her gesture following which I thanked her for the gesture and said it was normal to forget things but she really needn’t give me that ice cream.)
It clearly did not work in my case since I was being manipulated more and more. After stopping the wedding by giving a letter in writing with three statements to the church one of them being I had asked for dowry, I felt the olive branch reconciliation was a terrible move since the gentleman further started extorting more money of 5,00,000.
I heard a saying told often that it needs - “1000 lies to perform a wedding” , when one group plays in that angle and another group goes by what they are taught from the Bible which says “Liars do not go to heaven but go to hell”, it suddenly turns out to be a different playing field wherein one is playing by the rules and the other is not.
In the times I was threatened by the gentleman, that he would put me in jail, I was scared because of the intensity of the allegation. The last time I went inside the police station in Mylapore was when I was a teenager - that was the time when the police inspector made me sit down opposite to him, bought me coffee and appreciated me because I had caught the thief who had broken into our home and stolen valuables, one of them being my bicycle.
In situations like these people naturally avoid you completely since it is ugly, but I will never forgot my friend who stood by me and mentioned that he can help if anything happens in ”our” state - he was the son of an ex-mla of Mylapore. My good friends Willine and Willem Jan, in whose house I had stayed after the last operation had come from Netherlands and they took me out to Mysore. I will never forget what a blessing they were for me during this time even though the reason they came for, did not happen. I often remember how much it meant for me as they sat in a table opposite me compassionately reassuring - "Je verdient dit helemaal niet" - “You don’t deserve this at all”.
The suffering, shame, prejudice. or even betrayal can be overwhelming but Jesus was the only one who did not deserve it, yet he took all of the ugliness voluntarily on himself to rescue humanity. He understands and hears us out and walks with us even when the journey for us is full of doubts.
