The handicap

“Can you walk properly? Only when you can prove that you can walk, we can proceed further with this” said the gentleman hesitantly over the telephone.

“Yes of course, I can walk well and even walk fast” I countered even though I did not feel happy over the question. 

Post the conversation  I called my mom back about the dialogue but she felt these questions are normal questions to be asked. Over the years, I have noticed that not many people have sensitivity or experience dealing with people who have pain so I did not make a big deal out of it. There are also people who are very bad at expressing verbally but do have a very kind heart. When judging a person, I always give them the benefit of doubt that they did not mean it in an impolite way.

Forgetting all about the conversation, I carried on with my normal life since I was not keen to take it further. However I was bombarded with messages and chats all over social media and on my mobile - little did I known that I was being manipulated over a period of time. I must confess that “saying NO” is something I feel extremely difficult in my life. 

What is the criteria with which you dislike a person whom you hardly know? I grew up never to disrespect, mock or be mean to anyone. Guilt used to take a hold of me whenever I got into an argument or was mean with someone. I hated dealing with conflicts and wished it would disappear just like that. I was waiting for the conversation to die down and not abruptly end it, hence I would respond to one of the several messages being sent just to be kind but unfortunately the signals did not get understood correctly. I still gathered courage and took the phone to say no when it wasn’t accepted. 

I have never been into a relationship in my life, so it was difficult to deal with certain situations and moreover I waited for the conversation to die down so that they would move ahead since the call was from India.

It was a couple of years after the accident, when I had come back to Netherlands, to work on a new project. The office politics had been overwhelming. I have always been straight forward and wanted to do what was right.  

“A tree has to bend when the wind blows, otherwise it will break” , advised my colleagues but it didn’t change my thinking since my morality came from following Jesus so it did not surprise me when my manager once said- “Remember they crucified Jesus Christ, so they will crucify you as well”. He was right so I forgave him and carried on as Jesus would do.

The only thing that differentiated me at work was when I learnt on my own interest the local language Dutch, and eventually would go on to clear the NT2 - Dutch as second language diploma for fun. This generally had to be cleared by foreigners who wanted to become a Dutch citizen. I was once asked to accompany a sales team while bidding for a million euro project for a new client as an example that even being Indian company, there were people who could converse in Dutch. I was proposed as a member of the team since they felt that me being there would help win the project. We went on to win the project defeating other European bidders.

Over a period of time, I was pulled to work for different teams in the Netherlands even though my technical expertise was different from the project I was proposed to. However I felt that being sandwiched between the Indian and the Dutch contingent did not help me personally but was somehow causing me problems. 

In addition to the personal situation and work life, there were several thoughts bombarding my mind post the recovery which could very well be PSTD (post traumatic stress disorder):

On waking up out of my (induced)coma, the very first thing I looked  at was my completely bruised body. My right leg hanging from the top of the ceiling in the ICU like it hangs in a butchers shop. I thought to myself that I would be disabled my whole life and was  determined to live a thankful life like Joni Erickson Tada, who was disabled post a swimming accident. I hardly asked the doctors anything about my condition (much to their surprise) since I only wanted the pain to disappear so I initially thought I would be permanently disabled. The recovery was a completely thankful process and I learnt swimming during this time and made a remarkable progress.

“I can never believe you are walking since I have the photos of the accident and I felt a person wouldn’t survive this” said  the police officer who did the investigation of the accident.

“We could not have saved him, but he had a irresistible power (veerkracht) in him” - These are the words the doctors told my house owner who first came to meet me, “You have had angels protecting you” he added.

There were several questions that kept appearing in my head continuously and one of them being if I needed to resign and serve God ? This would mean that I would resign my secular job and get into serving in any capacity of being a preacher or setting up an institution for the disabled.

The thoughts got louder in my head and eventually one evening after much thought I resigned my job even though I did not have another job. I was treated very poorly post my resignation and it took a big toll on my already existing trauma. The goodbye wasn’t peaceful and there was a sense of enemy tag attached to me and I was looked down and felt isolated. I wasn’t the same guy who had helped the company get the big deal. I also had to protect myself from the jabs thrown on me and being in trauma I did not want to respond to any hard questions since it was overwhelming. However I was determined to move forward so I was consciously thinking of my next steps and finding a new job.

Psychologically, I had reached the pinnacle of worries - an aching body which was recovering, coping up with trauma, dealing with the resignation of the existing company, looking to find a new job and above all finding a purpose among this whole new mess - what does God want from me ? To top it all, I was receiving messages to which I wasn’t responding to - In the end, I thought as if I was going against too many things all at once and suddenly I felt helpless that I didn’t  have the strength to say NO to everything. I slowly started to respond to the messages and taking part in the conversations.

There have been several Dutch people who have walked along with me in this path and who have listened to my stories over and over again which helped me tremendously make decisions. One special person is a German psychologist who met me every week after church and warned me that I shouldn’t commit to anyone stating that it’s going to be dangerous move. She used to spend hours talking to me and make me think of what I planned to get into. I will never forget the advise she poured on me inspite of her husband and kids waiting on her sometimes for hours together. I also remember mentioning to her that I will write a blog on how “arranged” marriage works in India. Alas, she was the first person I remembered when everything got cancelled two weeks before the wedding day.

Living in a “shame” culture, it is not easy to deal with anything which gets cancelled for both the sides. However sadly, in recent years few families take an easy way to escape by throwing some heavy allegations and create a drama to end it. The one who makes the first move to end it is generally considered as the victim. Alas, the feeling of escape that you get by believing in the false allegation that you throw on others is short lived and moreover the other person who can never hit back tries to suck it up which generally causes a toll on him or changes his personality for ever. 

It’s better not to go into the details because it remains ugly but one thing I have always prayed after being hit with false allegations is this - God, the other family should never suffer at any cost. You have given me the courage to deal with any kind of situation and I can come out of it easily even though it may take a while to recover but not for anyone else, God. I was glad to know that the other person got married soon after and I put a brave face trusting God that he was working everything for good.

The allegations took a heavy toll on me since I had to answer several people and I could hardly concentrate on my work mainly because of being projected as an evil person. The dynamics of me dealing with people changed and I also had to swerve family and church relationships to protect my health and well being. I had to change companies thinking a new environment would help me.

Couple of years back, when I came third in the company athletics meet of 1500 meters I was simply overjoyed.

My experience through all these situations has opened my eyes to the suffering and the trauma of the disabled. I have been closely involved with the disabled association in Chennai and for the past 4 years we have been working closely with them helping with their children's education and accessories. Being run over by the bus across my body was easy to bear than being falsely accused put into trauma again un-necessarily but little did I know that God was moulding me first to reach the disabled, the suicidical and heal broken marriages - the very allegations which was used against me was being used as a tool by God to rescue people going through those situations.