"I am really sorry that I am giving you all so much trouble. There are about 6 Nurses needed to lift me up in order to give me my daily wash" I apologized to the Nurses in the hospital bed. I felt very embarrassed every time I had to call the nurses for very simple routine things I couldn't do. It started from requesting for my toothbrush to brush my teeth to asking them to help me with going to the toilet. It was the hardest thing for me to ask help for simple things while being bed ridden.
The 'daily wash' was something that I feared the most everyday. It was a nighmare, being lifted up for a few moments, while being held carefully by human hands before the sheets on the mattress were being changed. The short displacement caused immeasurable pain. It was about 4 days after the accident and the wounds were still fresh and the whole body was in terrible pain as a result of the shock. I can very well remember the moment when I had to be operated for the third time.
"Please do not lift me again. Just knock me out(by giving anesthesia) and continue with moving me to the operation table". I pleaded with the anesthesiologist at the operation theather as I felt they were in short of people to lift me. They had only 4 extra people and I definitely needed 6 people to lift me up.. She agreed and I loved counting 1,2 and 3 before being knocked into a deep long sleep.
The doctors and nurses often poured out their heartfelt sympathies. It definitely increases the gentleness by which you are handled when you are considered as an unlucky and helpless victim of a traffic accident in a foreign country. Sympathies from friends and family who supported me in every way. Sympathies from the police, the lawyer and the colleagues were really touching. The beautiful 'Get well' cards sent to the hospital by thoughtful church friends, flowers sent by colleagues added to the thought that you are loved. There were relatives who shed some tears on the telephone. Everyone wanted to see you back on track, hale and healthy.
Soon the sympathies became my way of life. I loved hearing the sympathetic words again and again. Soon my heart was tuned on to recieving them. I started getting used to the soft, loving, gentle and heartfelt words from all the people I met. No one shouts at you if you drop a glass of water. I need not fear being late for appointments whereas the nurses looking after me had to make sure that I was on time for the X-ray sessions, appointments with specialists and to make sure I was smart enough to take on visitors. They wake you up if an operation was scheduled to be in the early morning hours. There was no sense of responsibility needed. After all I was a patient. It did not seem like a real world that I was living in.
I felt that once sympathy gets a grip on you, the feeling creates a small sympathetic world around you. The difficulty was evident when once outside the hospital I happened to hear a rude remark. It was difficult for me to swallow. The switch was difficult for me not only because I had got used to hearing nice words but also because the outside world did not know I had undergone a serious accident. While on the road, I am very careful while driving. I try to maintain eye contact a couple of times with the driver of the other vehicle before I proceed. I dont trust the other vehicles easily, so at times the other road users are a bit frustrated, seeing that I am a bit late in my reflexes.
The switch started gaining pace when I flew back from Netherlands to India. Midway on the flight, I had got out of my seat to get to the restroom. When I came back, I saw the air hostess standing with the food trolly in the middle of the pathway. I waited for about a couple of minutes before asking her politely if I could cross over to my place which was just a seat away.
"Please wait till I clear, sir" came the reply. It took me some moments before I could digest it and treat it as a normal reaction.
"Well, Yes! I understand that you have to complete your work but..... I have had an accident so please be a bit courteous to me" is what I went through my mind as I stood there, standing while waiting for her to clean up.
I found out that a weird feeling had entered my head meanwhile. I had become impatient trying to misuse the sympathy I was used to having, when I was sick. Having become completely normal physically, I was trying to create a fuss about the 5 minute wait. It was my clinging on to my sympathetic feeling that made me feel more hurt rather than treating it as a normal reaction.
These days, there is a feeling that the switch is almost done. After all its been more than a month after I joined work. No more lazy mornings when I used to get up at 9:30 in the morning and felt that the world doesn't need me that day, so I tucked back into bed and stayed asleep till midday. Now with a bit of responsibility I try to get up before 6 in the mornings and begin the day afresh. It is a different life altogether as the life of sympathy has been replaced by a sense of responsibility. I am glad that the switch is done but love to keep in touch with the world that needs..... sympathy.
